(BNA) Trenton, NJ USA 2/25/03:
Concerned that ongoing delays at the only manufacturer of military qualified gas masks would impede gulf war preparations, the Department of Defense has turned to 125 year old Menelen Theatrical Mask Company for emergency assistance. Menelen was able to modify some existing tooling and quickly produce and qualify 200,000 mask bodies which were immediately assembled and shipped to Kuwait for distribution to friendly forces there. The new masks, functionally equivalent to the current M134MPM, are made more human-like in appearance to distinguish them easily from enemy masks and also to minimize the traumatic effect the gruesome appearance of the traditional masked soldier can have on innocent civilians and children.
This reporter also thinks we should take note of the ‘shock and awe’ aspect of this new weapon as well. Imagine the psychological effect on Saddam’s Republican Guards when they find themselves facing thousands of George W Bush clones across the battlefield, with the occasional perennial favorites like Richard Nixon, Abraham Lincoln (complete with top hat), and Superman thrown in for good measure. Come to think of it, we have the best theatrical effects people in the world, and we know that the CIA are old masters when it comes to mind control and other squinky technologies like that, so why don’t we just conjure up Allah for ‘em and have him tell them all to go on back home while we take care of business.
AND SPEAKING OF REPUBLICAN GUARDS –
If Saddam has Republican Guard troops, doesn’t that mean that he’s a Republican ? So, OUR Republicans are accusing some OTHER Republicans of neglecting or bringing misery on their own citizens just to serve their wanton desires for Aggression, more WMD, and Personal Status ?
ISN’T THAT SORT OF LIKE THE POT CALLING THE KETTLE BLACK ?
So Geo W and Saddam are having this little boy’s spitting contest one day on the Washington – Baghdad Hotline. The subject comes around to Weapons of Mass Destruction, and Georgie says, “WMD?? WMD?? Well I’LL show YOU some WMD…” And here we are today…
presents his latest and greatest
World Heavy Weight Championship …
‘HUNKER IN THE BUNKER’, a COMMAND PERFORMANCE ENGAGEMENT between current champion George w Bush and a minor challenger from the Middle East, Saddam Hussein, will be played somewhere near Baghdad and, promises Graham, will get massive airtime on ALL the networks.
“The bets are already running really high on this one, if you know what I mean,” he said with his usual flashy grin and excitable speech.
So we send 3000 Tomahawks at anybody unfortunate enough to be left in Baghdad at what was it, half a mill each? Not to mention the cost of all the other stuff we’re shooting off into the air, blasting, busting, burning, and other wise rendering unusable and therefore, requiring replacement. Who are we really shooting as we do this? After what?, a couple of DECADES of the embargo, (along with Saddam and his cronies’ greed) the Iraqi’s have got nothing but Mean and Hungry, so we can’t really do all that much more to them short of just killing them all. No, the ones who are going to be paying the price for this war will be our children, and maybe even their children. Already Geo IIs Republican Guards are singing the increased deficit song. You know the one:
Oh, We’ll raise the deficit to fund the War
Doo Dah Doo Dah
Stimulate the ‘conomy to grow some more
Doo Dah Doo Dah
So our friends’ graft machine keeps spewing more.
Oh Dee Do Dah Day
We have to take Iraq’s oil now – otherwise we got a long mortgage to pay off on Georgie’s little spitting contest with Saddam. The only problem with that – It’s certainly bad to consciously decide to turn into the local (er.. World Heavyweight) bully. But the worst part is that the OIL will go to George and Mysterious Dick’s buddies, while the burden of paying for $1,500,000,000 worth of cruise missiles alone will go to you and I, the American taxpayers, what few of us are left. Certainly the rich won’t be paying for any of it; unless a tax cut opportunity slipped through unnoticed somewhere. And who are us taxpayers paying for these replacement missiles and flash gizmos of modern warfare ?? MORE of George and Mysterious Dick’s buddies, of course – how supremely clever !
And a little something for the war protesters to think about that somehow didn’t occur to most of us back in the war protests of the 60’s:
We mustn’t forget that there is real Deadly Danger involved when our troops go pestering about in the business of piddling little countries half a world away. It is appropriate that we remember the high tradition of honorable service of our military personnel. For over 200 years the individual US soldiers and the professional military officers who command them have answered the call of duty and carried out their constitutionally imposed obligation to obey the orders (no matter how idiotic) of the politicians and bureaucrats who command them. In all that time, unlike Iraq, Uganda, Chile, Tibet, you take any country, our army has not seen fit to jump in and bypass the constitutionally prescribed process of representative government, and that process has successfully been protected from several very real threats from outside. While we may not particularly agree with how they are used by the miscreants who sometimes order them about, give thanks and appropriate honors to all those individuals who have done what they think is right by answering their country’s call to military service -- both those who come back from this war and those who do not. It may seem only trite and a cliché, but those who are killed or injured or changed forever in war really DO give their lives so that the form of government which has allowed the protesters here in this country to demonstrate THEIR disagreement with our military aggression can continue.